“The water is more powerful than the rock“- Osho
It seems that sometimes life simply doesn’t make sense. We try to categorize our hopes, struggles, joy and pain into neat little boxes in an orderly fashion with coloured tabs and meticulous post-it notes but instead are left feeling hopeless still.
What does being authentic really mean? At times I am inclined to believe being authentic means I must naturally be more “together”, more stable…..though I often find that, poetically, the truth lies in the alternative…
Why is it that I feel the need to try and prove to the external world how useful I am to it? Why, when the greatest liberation I have found is that I can just be myself, “plain ol’ me”. Unabashedly Caron, sole keeper of this body and soul and loyal earthly citizen. And this is how it should be. This is my authenticity at its best when it simply ‘is’, when I simply am me.
“Strong women- precious jewels all – their humanness is evident in their accessibility. We are able to enter into the spirit of these women and rejoice in their warmth and courage” – Maya Angelou
I was created and born into this world as an individual, therefore I am unique, and the design for my life is unique too, unlike anyone else’s. My “Caron-ness” is what makes me unique and the very last thing I need to suppress. It’s a gift to the world, imparted with unconditional love. I know this inherently. When I was a child this concept was so natural and innate I never questioned it, yet on becoming an adult I seemed to have doubted its rich importance. My humour, my insight, my perspectives, the way I mother my children, my skills as a practitioner – are all unique to me, I am not a cookie-cutter woman or stereotype, I am wonderfully unique.
Having had some quiet time over the past few months has allowed me to revisit my true authentic self, and, after shedding some of the weight of societal standards also spend more time exploring my femininity.
Winter has been the ideal time for me to disconnect from outside distractions, to leisurely hibernate and withdraw….I even helped my daughter complete a 1000 piece puzzle which brought such pleasure into our home; each day I would rush home from work and immediately head over to the elected puzzle table, peer over the vivid colours and missing pieces, wonder if I would ever find the missing pieces and become so mesmerized by it that the thought of chores became a distant memory. Time stood still and shrieks of joy would fill the room when each empty space was filled.
So what do puzzles have to do with authenticity and femininity I hear you say? Being feminine is made up of many strong but sometimes subtle aspects, much like a puzzle; but femininity is not limited to the confines of the female shape, it embodies the way we feel, our senses, beliefs and the sharing and trusting in one’s true authentic self that all contribute to the sacred feminine energy that flows through us.
Of late I have been experiencing a feeling of disconnect from my authentic self –so surprised was I, that even as a healer I could feel such disconnect! I realised that as a consequence of residual emotional trauma arising from the past I had lost connection to myself. I was still me, yes, but I was trying so hard to be useful to everyone else that my energy levels were depleting rapidly leaving very little left. I subconsciously turned my attention to the world of social media but was left with mere fodder to feed my insecurities and weaken my self-confidence. So much was I operating on auto-pilot throughout this time that I recall one morning looking into the mirror and not recognising the face staring back.
It was at this moment that I understood what I was doing and the necessary change that needed to occur. Dr Wayne Dyer put it perfectly when he said “when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” (www.drwaynedyer.com)
I then started to meditate. This meditation however was about affording myself time – a humble 10 minutes each morning and evening – to silence my mind through breath work, and by repeating the following loving kindness mantra – May I be safe, be happy, be healthy, and live with ease. I repeated this over and over during the 10 minutes each morning and evening while slowly breathing in and out. After only about 5 days I noticed my sleeping had improved, my mind was not as cluttered, and I had a more calm feeling inside myself.
I was confident that this was a good start, after all I still had patients to help and how could I do this if I was not healed myself? I continued this exercise day and night, adding to this a more mindful eating programme. After 21 days on the programme I started to feel decidedly better on many levels including the physical, mental and spiritual planes.
However, I found I was still searching for my lost femininity. How did I know I’d lost it? Well I noticed how my natural sense of motherhood, nurturing nature, compassion, and sense of humour had waned. I even noticed how frumpish my underwear had become; I remembered how I used to wear sexy under garments as it made me feel more feminine. So I started researching ways to reignite my femininity and came across a Facebook page called Exploring Femininity Sisterhood….this helped me reconnect with my living body, using simple tools such as womb breathing, which in turn helped me tap back into my intuition (often felt in the stomach area or womb area). I had reignited the firelight inside, the spark of the sacred feminine.
I found myself being more creative and this has started to influence my sense of femininity. I feel I am living more in my body than in my mind. The mind has the capability of playing nasty tricks by leading us astray in the form of constant or incessant thoughts (mostly negative). I’ve noticed by practicing womb breathing this has brought a sense of contentment, connectedness and peacefulness to my being, allowing authenticity to freely flow from me. I am positive now that my womb is not merely a space for growing an embryo (and finally a baby), but a ME space. By being mindful of my womb, by feeling its contraction and relaxation through breath and being fully present in that moment allows me to be ME just naturally– my authentic self.
To my fellow sisterhood, you are all unique and beautiful, stay centred and grounded. I hope what I shared with you today resonates with you on some level. To help you recalibrate and destress, try some fun activities such as puzzles, gardening, knitting, reading – whatever sets your soul on fire but quietens the mind. All these kinds of activities will widen your energetic space and help you reconnect with your body and soul.
Yours in Health